Word on the street is the Tories are preparing for another snap election. And how are they preparing, you ask? In the only way that makes sense at this point: by dropping to their knees and praying to God.
https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/1043801622273503232
Problems
There are several things a political party can do to prepare for an election:
- Develop a manifesto with broad appeal that won’t drive countless people to an early death.
- Point to its previous successes in government – e.g. policies that helped people rather than driving them to an early death.
- Coach its would-be PM into appearing human and not like some sort of lizard-robot cyborg.
For obvious reasons, the Tories can’t do any of these things. Instead, they’ll be:
- Coming up with more slogans (e.g. ‘Strongerer and Stablerer’ or ‘Brexit Means I’m Loving It’).
- Writing a manifesto that doesn’t directly state they’ll drive countless people to an early death, but certainly leaves that option open for the future.
- Trying to think of a Corbyn smear they haven’t used yet (e.g. ‘Jeremy Corbyn’s beard used to be in Al-Qaeda’. Oh no, wait, they’ve used that).
Forsaken
Although God doesn’t normally reply to people’s prayers, he has issued a statement to the Tory Party. It reads:
Dear fuckfaces,
When I said be nice to the poor, I wasn’t joking. I also wasn’t messing around when I said ‘an eye for an eye’, so expect some serious comeuppance when you get up here. I’m a complicated guy.
Love, God.
The Tories have since distanced themselves from the almighty. Or distanced themselves further, anyway. They’d already gone into a coalition with Satan some time ago.
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