‘Capitalism’ is a system in which people are able to accumulate capital, ie wealth and property.
The system we actually live under is one in which Richard Branson is able to accumulate everything, and the rest of us are left with nothing more permanent than a petrol station sandwich.
This hasn’t gone unnoticed by Trading Standards officers, however. And they’re insisting on a name change.
Wealth of ideas
We spoke to Richard Spoonmouth of The Sensible Common Sense thinktank (one of those groups that rich people fund to tell poor people that everything is tickety-boo):
Well, we knew the jig would be up sooner or later. The arrangement we’ve set up is basically just a complicated method of transferring money from employers to landlords.
The problem with working class people saving money is that capital ends up just sitting around in their bank accounts. And that’s no good, because actually it should be sitting around in Lord Alan Sugar’s bank account.
We asked if Spoonmouth was worried the re-brand would make capitalism less attractive:
We’ll just put a spin on it. Probably we’ll tell people that it’s bad for them to have savings, because moderately healthy bank accounts attract migrants. It’s amazing how many cracks you can paper over with a little bit of racism.
Disaster capitalism
Of course, if this does lead to the collapse of capitalism, the question is what comes next?
Obviously a system in which wealth is evenly redistributed would be preferable.
But failing that, we’ll probably just do what historically always happens in these situations and overthrow/eat the rich.
You’ve been warned, Duncan Bannatyne.
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