The government has announced that disabled people will be required to assist at the Royal Wedding under new rules relating to Universal Credit. And it’s rumoured that Harry and Meghan have requested a very special red carpet: one made from disabled benefit claimants deemed ‘fit-for-work’.
We all love a good wedding!
Sources for the newly renamed Department for Weddings and Patriotism (DWP) confirmed on Monday 27 November that a swathe of new conditions has been drawn up for Universal Credit’s “claimant commitment”.
Announcing the changes, Secretary of State for Work Setting You Free David Gauke said:
We’re all thrilled at the prospect of another Royal Wedding, and we want benefit claimants to share in our excitement. So we’ve introduced a host of new ways that recipients of Universal Credit can participate in the Royal Wedding, while gaining valuable social and work-related skills. But remember: where’s there’s a claim, there’s a game! And if you don’t play by our rules, you could end up with a sanction!
Measures included in the snap reforms, reportedly drawn up on the back of Princess Diana’s death certificate, include:
- ‘Fit-for-work’ disabled people forming a human red carpet at the entrance into Westminster Abbey.
- The third child and any subsequent children of people claiming tax credits being seconded to shoe polishing duties at Buckingham Palace.
- Tetraplegics to turn all used brown DWP envelopes into bunting.
- Cake decorations to be made from the freeze-dried tears of children queuing at food banks.
Royal sources also told Off The Perch that Meghan has reportedly requested that amputated limbs from diabetic benefit claimants be fashioned as a four-square-foot bustle.
May they live happily ever after
Meanwhile, one disabled person who wished to remain anonymous told Off The Perch:
We should be grateful for small mercies, I guess. And I know many of the 90 people who die every month after the DWP tells them they’re fit for work would’ve jumped at the chance to meet the Royals! Shame they’re not here to see it…
There are rumours that Harry and Meghan’s first born will be called Duncan Iain Windsor, in honour of the celebrated social reformer and philanthropist of the same name. Regina in gloria…
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