George Osborne gives his 5 top tips for making politics pay

George Osborne has shown himself to be a real whizz at making politics pay. Primarily by having multiple jobs. Some of which he even carries out.

But what tips does Osborne have for aspiring political vultures like himself? Off The Perch caught up with him to find out.

Top tips

Osborne told us:

1. Don’t worry about whether or not you’re doing your jobs particularly well. Accept that you’re almost certainly not, and learn how to live with that.
2. Assume that you know best. Even when all evidence points to the contrary. Even when people with 50 years experience are screaming at you: “Are you on drugs, you uppity, rat-faced w*nker?” And even when things are literally catching fire!
3. Never show up to work. Most of the people ‘employing’ you are only doing so to gain political leverage. And if they’re actually employing you because they think you’re up to snuff, they must be thicker than you are, and need liberating from the money they gave you pronto.
4. Rely on Tony Blair for support. He gets how things work. You don’t start an illegal war in the Middle East and then become a Middle East peace envoy without learning a few things about not giving a f*ck.
5. Smirk when people are explaining why you’re amoral, abhorrent, and a total arse. That way they’ll get that you understand, but also that you’re going to carry on anyway. You know, because you’re scum. And you love it.

Banks a lot

Osborne also had another key tip for anyone wanting to fleece the British public for all it’s worth:

Be born into money, plebs!

Almost as if a society with such ungodly wealth gaps breeds people who think that they’re genetically entitled to make a killing.

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