And what a week it was!
A week which saw Angela Eagle failing to land a leadership bid, Michael Gove’s career taking a nose dive, and the Chilcot report annihilating what was left of Tony Blair’s reputation like an asteroid hitting an old fridge.
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
Cersei Lannister’s Game of Thrones coup orchestrated by Blairite PR group
by John Shafthauer
WARNING!
POLITICAL/GAME OF THRONE SPOILERS ABOUND
Reports are coming in that Cersei Lannister’s recent power play in King’s Landing may have received facilitative support from the same PR company that’s been accused of working on behalf of the now scrambled #ChickenCoup.
Suspicions were first aroused when people noticed that the Labour coup was very similar to Cersei’s. To explain more, this is what Off the Perch’s window cleaner noted when he overheard us discussing the matter in our news-caravan:
Well, one incident was a massive bomb going off – a bomb which laid waste to many people who thought they were on the same team as the bombers – and the other incident was Cersei Lannister blowing up the Sept of Baelor.
And that’ll be £5, ta.
Here are some fitting name suggestions for a potential Labour splinter party
by John Shafthauer
It’s looking increasingly likely that the Labour Party will split into two separate parties – much like how when you cut a worm in half the brain goes one way and the arse-end goes another.
The unions are currently backing the side with a history of supporting workers’ rights. Meanwhile, without the backing of the labour movement, it would be frankly obscene for the Chicken Coupers to continue to call themselves ‘Labour.’
So what should they call themselves?
Here are several suggestions from the team at Off the Perch:
Nu Labour
This would work from both perspectives. Firstly, the splitters would think that it was incredibly hip and modern – much like how they think that using redundant late-90’s spin is incredibly hip and modern.
It also works from a more critical perspective, as nu-metal was an offensively over-produced insult to actual metal, and the splinter group’s relationship to Labour would be similarly degenerative.
The Chicken Party
As well as linking to the dismal and pathetic #ChickenCoup, it would also reference the fact that when you cut a chicken’s head off, it will run around like a clueless d*ckhead for quite some time before dropping.
Theresa May unveils plans to turn the North into an open-air ‘1984’ theme park
by John Shafthauer
As part of her drive to become PM, Theresa May has been making her case for a country that works for everyone. This is obviously a smart direction for a potential leader to pursue, as Great Britain is quite clearly weighted towards the benefits of:
- Super-rich Australian super-villains.
- Queen Betty.
- Business sh*ts.
- Hereditary horror-bags.
- People who want to get paid for holding opinions so corrosive that you could use them to melt a Terminator.
The problem with May’s claims, however, is that she was one of the main architects behind this current division – having been an undeniably important cog in the clockwork society-thresher that is the Tory party.
This apparent hypocrisy led to one reporter questioning May as to what she’d actually do differently, and particularly what she’d do for the North:
Well I intend to make sure that in my Britain, no one is left behind.
The reporter scoffed at this idea – saying it was essentially comparable to rich escapees from the Titanic shouting down from their lifeboats that they’d “come back” for the unfortunate floaters.
‘Blairites’ to rebrand as the ‘NeverHeardOfTheGuy-ites’ in wake of Chilcot report
by John Shafthauer
Although many were worried that Chilcot would be a total whitewash, the summary of the report was actually consistently damning of Tony Blair throughout – stopping only at calling him a:
Treacherous, lying, law-defying hoofwa*nking bunglec*nt.
When the report hit, many thought something along the lines of this:
https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/750646235950936064
However, most of these MPs – especially the ones who identify themselves as “Blairites” – have been markedly mealy-mouthed on the subject.
Off the Perch has now learned, however, that this is because they’ve been consulting with their good friends in PR about whether “Blairite” is really the best branding they could use going forwards – especially as the word “Blair” is now synonymous with:
- Bare-faced exaggeration (a.k.a. “lies”).
- Invasion without legitimate reason (a.k.a. “war crime”).
- A total inability to understand what you’ve done wrong (a.k.a. “high-level megalomania”).
Chilcot to prepare timetable for a potential Labour leadership challenge
by John Shafthauer
Now that he’s finished his epic report on the Iraq war, John Chilcot has been looking for his next challenge, and Off the Perch can exclusively report what that is.
Many thought that The Iraq Inquiry was taking so long because it was going to be an insulting and drawn-out whitewash. When we saw the video of Tony Blair defending himself, however, it became clear that Sir John has likely been fighting a protracted campaign of mental warfare against what may arguably be the most perverse and dangerous mind of our time.
But what job could possibly be worthy of Chilcot – what job could be worthy of the man who put Blair in his place – Blair the fallen New Labour god whose unholy trinity would be comprised of Julius Caesar, Patrick Bateman, and the Cheshire Cat?
Allegedly, the job he has chosen is to draft a timetable for a potential leadership challenge against Jeremy Corbyn – a job which he is currently predicting:
Will make the wait for The Iraq Inquiry look like a drunken roller-coaster ride – will make the length of the Chilcot Report look like a pamphlet about the benefits of homeopathy – will make the damage Iraq caused the Labour Party look like the ’97 landslide election.
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