On another totally serious day, in this entirely serious country, the Labour Party has actually, genuinely, hand-on-heart, cross it and hope to die, delivered on one of its key manifesto pledges promised before the election.
April Fool’s!
Who the fuck are we kidding? That’s about as likely as a rose-tinted glassy-eyed and ardent swaggering Starmerite admitting they were mugs.
April Fool’s: filtering the fact from fiction – it’s all the bloody same
All day, the insufferable Labour Party government has been talking out its ass about the mega-boon it’s bringing to households across this shithole Island (Spoiler alert: it’s not).
This morning, the Beebs was all over it delivering the news you *wished* was an April Fool’s prank:
Water bills, energy prices and council tax are all among a set of bills increasing in what’s been dubbed ‘awful April’.
On #BBCBreakfast Nina Warhurst looked at the extra costs faced by millions of people https://t.co/1HVl64q2vs pic.twitter.com/VIHVh1Rcx0
— BBC Breakfast (@BBCBreakfast) April 1, 2025
Yep, you heard it here first folks, months ago, years even, but this is news that the neoliberal Labour right wankers that now run the show have *shock* completely failed to bat for the average Brit, and instead capitulated like the crony little bitches they are to the corporate capitalist elite.
That is, waters bills are now: up. Energy bills: up. Council Tax: up. So, as a result, the cost of everything, you guessed it: UP. And it should now be up, up, up, and away with any lingering naive belief that this government is really on your side.
Did we mention it’s April Fool’s Day? Because Labour ministers have been harping on piss-takes beyond belief all day. We raise you, one prime minister Keir Starmer with the audacity to claim he has put more money into millions of Briton’s pockets:
If you work hard, you should be paid enough to get on in life.
But years of Tory decline left working people struggling.
I said I would fight for those people, and I am.
Today we’re giving millions of Britons a pay rise.
— Keir Starmer (@Keir_Starmer) April 1, 2025
We caught the not-so-subtle turn of phrase – “working people” – because who gives a toss for chronically ill and disabled people unable to work that the paltry National Living (if you can even call it that) Wage increase will do absolutely nothing for? Certainly no-one at Whitehall.
Spot the difference that a Labour Party government makes
The face of CHANGE folks – a privileged pompous duplicitous white man in a suit. But at least he has a red tie, right?
This is my Plan for Change in action. https://t.co/UjlQfZ96Ww
— Keir Starmer (@Keir_Starmer) April 1, 2025
Spot the difference! No, can’t see any? We can’t either, it’s all beyond parody at this point:
I’m going to increase taxes on the rich, nationalise water companies, stop the welfare benefit cuts and open talks to rejoin the EU.
And yes, it is April Fools Day.
— Parody Keir Starmer (@Parody_PM) April 1, 2025
Speaking of uncanny similarity, here’s a string of sickeningly loyal Starmer suck-ups to spoil your day just as much. Enter, deputy PM Angela Rayner spouting the same line:
Today we are giving more than three million workers a pay rise.⁰ ⁰We said we would Make Work Pay and improve living standards across the country, and we are doing exactly that.⁰ ⁰More money into people’s pockets and into the economy – supporting workers and business alike.
— Angela Rayner (@AngelaRayner) April 1, 2025
Then, there was business sec Jonathan Reynolds showing how lying through your teeth is done on awful April 1:
The cost of living crisis isn’t over, Labour are supporting families through
📈 Wages rising higher than prices, worth an extra £1,000
💷 A £117 pay boost every month for workers on the National Living Wage
🥣 Free Breakfast clubs worth £450 a year to working parents https://t.co/xxVZ2SDpSa
— Jonathan Reynolds (@jreynoldsMP) April 1, 2025
And here’s chancellor of the high-net worth wealth extractors Rachel Reeves penning her drivel for liberal lackey and complete sell-out the Guardian (no joke):
In October, I stood up to deliver the first Labour Budget in fourteen years and made a promise to put more money in working people’s pockets.
Today, we deliver on that promise by increasing the national minimum and living wage.
My piece for @guardian: https://t.co/OpZia4F7EI
— Rachel Reeves (@RachelReevesMP) April 1, 2025
Don’t forget Ed Miliband bringing home the bacon for all the Brits facing soaring energy bills from today:
1/ I know families across the country will be worried about today’s energy price rise.
It is caused by the rise we saw in the global gas price and that’s why the government is sprinting for homegrown clean power we control. https://t.co/eagWKgOzcq
— Ed Miliband (@Ed_Miliband) April 1, 2025
We’re not laughing, but Labour’s CEO mates are all the way to the bank
You know who won’t be laughing today? Pensioners after a harsh winter – certainly not the ones Labour’s winter fuel payment cut left dead this year. Ditto households still trapped in poverty because of the morally vacuous ‘representatives’ of the people choosing to toe the whip and keep the two-child cap on benefits.
And the latest Labour punching bag: chronically ill and disabled people. Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) Liz Kendall is noticeably quiet today. But then, how do you top the biggest ‘joke’ in benefit cuts we’ve probably seen in the last decade?
So while there’s absolutely nothing to laugh about today for a good proportion of the UK populace, that didn’t some Labour ministers taking the mick anyway.
Weasel Wes Streeting was only too glad to chortle in his posh prick private healthcare-financed duds:
April Fools, of course.
Hasn’t generated as many complaints to Ofcom as last year’s!
But one thing that isn’t a joke is that Labour’s Plan for Change *has* cut NHS waiting lists five months in a row.
Lots done, so much more to do.
Change has begun, the best is still to come! https://t.co/SdcKFm6rF6
— Wes Streeting (@wesstreeting) April 1, 2025
Next he’ll be announcing a Corrie storyline feature for his DWP weight loss ‘jabs for jobs’ pilot. Right after accepting a wad of whopping donations from Ozempic undoubtedly. His little gag might have been h-i-lar-i-ous, if he hadn’t cut thousands of NHS jobs, and continued to sell the public healthcare service down the privatisation river – all after a nice bung from the big private healthcare racket.
Last but not least, in case you weren’t feeling those ‘good vibes’ from the Tory 2.0 cabinet, Dawn Butler MP was there to put a poorly-timed ‘positive’ spin on things:
Exciting news!
It’s with great pride that I have accepted a ministerial role.
Details below pic.twitter.com/Y41SZOKY00
— Dawn Butler ✊🏾💙 (@DawnButlerBrent) April 1, 2025
Just to cement this Labour Party government as the shittiest charlatans and traitorous conniving con-artists, it put out this utter codswallop:
BREAKING: The average household will be £500 better off in the final year of this parliament.
This isn’t just about lines on a graph. This is about improving people’s lives. pic.twitter.com/z5GBN8Z7v3
— The Labour Party (@UKLabour) March 26, 2025
Community notes doing a lot of heavy lifting on that one. It’s also almost funny given the Joseph Rowntree Foundation has said the exact opposite. Instead, households are going to see disposable incomes drop by an average of £1,400 in the next five years. To make matters worse, living standards for the UK’s poorest families will drop at twice the rate of middle and high income households.
Onwards to tomorrow we say – though with this Labour Party government, it’s only set to be as much a joke as the last.
Featured image via the Canary
