Can you hear that?
Listen very carefully.
Can you hear it now?
That is the sweet sound of Margaret Thatcher turning in her grave as her beloved Conservative Party prepares to burn alongside her in the darkest corner of Satan’s bowel.
A bit harsh? This is the Canary, not the Guardian.
Anyway, we live by the Israeli rule book these days, and if there’s “no such thing as an innocent Palestinian”, there is definitely no such thing as an innocent Conservative Party politician.
The Conservative Party clown car wheels finally come off
Fear not, fellow friends of the left. It is absolutely acceptable to be ecstatic by the imminent death of the Tories while feeling utterly distraught by the prospect of a ‘Labour’ government headed up by socially conservative Keir Starmer and the Likud lackeys.
The British “natural party of government” — thought to be the oldest political party in the world that is still (barely) in existence — has been utterly pummeled into the ground by Boris Johnson, Liz Truss, and Rishi Sunak.
All three of them deserve memorial ornaments, perhaps in Trafalgar Square. For Johnson, an Electrolux fridge sculptured from bronze. For Truss, a silver iceberg lettuce, balanced upon a 20 foot plinth. And for Sunak, a golden 2:1 scale Bibby Stockholm.
But a special mention must go to Nadine Dorries, Kwasi Kwarteng, and Cruella Braverman, because the long-awaited death of the Conservative Party simply wouldn’t have been possible without their impressive contributions. Give them a fucking medal.
Sarcastic? Me? Nonsense.
Goodbye and fuck off
Thank you, Tories, goodbye, and fuck off. Then keep fucking off. Fuck off until you come up to a gate with a sign saying “You Can’t Fuck Off Past Here, You Tory Fuck”. Climb over the gate, dream the impossible dream, and keep fucking off forever.
Note to Ms Ann Gree-Karen of Surrey::
If a few contextual expletives hurt your tender eyes after fourteen years of our friends and family being starved and frozen to death by a government policy — literal social murder — you are in the wrong place today.
What do you think I care about more? Your claim that a few swear words “devalue” the article, or the fact almost 140,000 children woke up homeless on Christmas Day last year? Get real.
If the death of the Conservative Party at the general election is hitting you like a nasty dose of Covid at least take some strength from knowing there’s barely a fag paper between David Cameron’s 2010 Tory government and Keir Starmer’s 2024 Labour government.
Rats jumping ship – except lettuce-botherers and cake-eaters
Indeed, several of the fleeing rats that have already jumped from the sinking Conservative ship have managed to swim their way ashore and cross the floor of the House of Commons to the racist sound of the red-coloured dog whistle, blown enthusiastically by the Pied Piper of Labour.
And for those of you just slightly to the right of Liz Kendal that still think — and I use the word “think” very loosely — the raging Zionist Tommy Robinson is the greatest thing since the invention of the Ninja air fryer, you’ve got Leenoch Anderson — possibly the love child of Derek Acorah and a lesser-spotted dried up white dog turd — spouting his bigotry with the Farage party.
See, it’s not all bad if you’re a Tory, because swathes of the 2019 Johnson voters that claimed they were lending their vote to the Bullingdon bullshitter to “get Brexit done” feel quite at home in Starmer’s neo-Thatcherite Labour Party.
The Conservative Party as you know it today has existed for 190 years, which is nearly as long at the last time football last came “home”. What began with Robert Peel on 10 December 1834 is set to end with Rishi someone-or-another on 4 July 2024.
All because Boris Johnson was ambushed by a birthday cake, a calamitous Liz Truss cameo lasted just forty nine days, and little Rishi Sunak just sat back and watched the whole rotten lot go up in smoke, safe in the knowledge he’ll still wake up as a half-billionaire on Friday 5 July, clutching a one-way ticket to California and the promise of even more money for even less effort.
Drifting to Reform post-4 July?
The Tories needed an entire resus department to give them any hope of long-term survival following the catastrophic Johnson and Truss administrations, not a former hedge fund manager and investment analyst that in most walks of life would be considered the human equivalent of a thanks-for-taking-part pity award.
With any luck, we won’t see the Conservative Party for at least another 190 years, and if Lady Luck is looking down upon us on this fateful day, they’ll take them fucking Hawk Tuah memes with them.
The scale of the Conservative losses are beginning to crystallise and the opinion polls that often narrow in favour of the sitting government in the days leading up to voting day, haven’t shifted a single inch.
Once this fundamentally pointless election is done and the dust has settled on the corpse of this routed Conservative Party, I would expect the handful of survivors to make a drastic shift to the populist right.
Jeremy Corbyn knows the score:
Whoever the Prime Minister is, I’ll be holding them to account. Holding them to account on child poverty, on hunger, on health, on jobs, on the environment. On global issues of peace and justice.
We’ll deal with Starmer later. For now, enjoy the Conservative Party’s last gasps
Too many people for too many years have chosen to stand back and do nothing instead of standing up and doing something. With the government you are going to wake up in bed with on Friday morning, doing nothing is no longer an option.
We’ll deal with whatever follows this corrupt and morally reprehensible cesspit of inadequacy when it happens, but for now let’s enjoy the final breaths of this terminally poisonous Tory government and all those that sail in her, through seas of untreated raw sewage.
Labour will win a large majority and will be the new dominant force of centre-right politics in Britain for years to come. I have absolutely no doubt of this.
Starmer has defined himself through some sort of working-class patriotism, and the Conservative voters love that sort of disingenuous claptrap.
We will never forgive and most certainly never forget the Tories for the crimes they have committed not only on the global stage, in our name, but the heinous and criminal acts of wickedness that have been unleashed upon the people of Britain in the name of ideological austerity.
Our fight isn’t over. I can’t imagine it will be for many years, perhaps decades to come. Our fight with has only just begun.
Feature image via Rachael Swindon
