And what a week it was!
A week which saw Owen Smith calling for zero hours contracts to be replaced with one hour contracts, Owen Smith threatening to smash the PM on to her heels (whatever that means), and then Owen Smith apologising for the various comments of Owen Smith.
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
Government to repossess education which was incorrectly put inside poor children
by John Shafthauer
The Department for Education has begun sending out repossession letters to plebeian families this past week, demanding that their horrible children return the education which was lamentably put inside their brains as part of some awful EU initiative.
Now that the Tories are free of the Lib Dems, the EU, and the superficially compassionate Cameron, they no longer even have to pretend that these children have a future. As such, the Department for Education has reassessed what information poor kids do or do not need, and have begun reacquiring everything which is superfluous to requirements.
To find out more, we spoke to Justine Greening – the new Secretary of State for Education – to find out how these grasping little sh*ts managed to steal so much raw potential from us in the first place:
The thing is that if you give them too much information, they just get these sad little dreams in their heads, and then their awful little faces scrunch up like one of those ball-bag dogs when they realise it will never be. I think these children knew they weren’t owed this education when they received it, and yet they absorbed it all anyway. They could have stuffed chewing gum in their ears or gone for a smoke behind the bike sheds, but no. They just sat there – stealing it all in with their crafty little ears.
They’re thieves, really. They’re monsters.
Frontline right-wing reporting reveals the shocking truth about Britain’s ‘loony left’
Off the Perch has been required, under a new government wheeze, to employ at least one right-wing writer. So we’re proud to welcome our new commentator, Frank Lee-Bull, with an intrepid piece of frontline reporting from the brutal warzone that is modern British politics.
Hanging on by the skin of its globally-renowned teeth, British democracy and the popular rule of the Conservative party are currently under threat of extinction. And the political poachers responsible for this crime against humanity are a rogue band of rebellious trouble-makers known as Corbynists – sometimes referred to by the loony left as ‘concerned citizens’.
To learn more about these societal misfits and cerebrally-challenged conspiracy theorists, I went along to one of their most recent riots. My aim? To learn more about their vicious assault on all things moderate in this green and pleasant home of the blondest foreign secretary in recorded history.
What I found shocked me to the very core of my faithfully patriotic bones!
Lucy – 17
I first spoke to Lucy, a 17-year-old extremist who was clearly well-versed in the subversive texts of nineteenth century philosophers. My question? Why were she and her far-left friends so hell-bent on overthrowing the overachieving and overwhelmingly-democratic government of this fair country? Her answer betrayed the dangerously radical sentiment common among many of the youngsters present at this most recent brutish expression of lefty lawlessness:
We just want a future, you know? I’m from a really bad area, but I did alright at school. I don’t wanna go to uni, though, ‘cos I don’t wanna end up with tens of thousands of pounds of debt hanging over my head like my cousin does. But at the same time, you know, there’s no way I can move out of my parents’ house and start a life of my own on minimum wage. House prices and private rents are just stupidly expensive! Honestly, I feel stuck. And that’s a horrible place to be.
Theresa May praised for “strong leadership” after kicking a puppy in the face
by Kerry-Anne Mendoza
Newly appointed UK prime minister Theresa May was praised for her “strong leadership” today after kicking a puppy in the face while visiting a community play centre in Nibley.
May’s visit to the Hope and Joy community play centre was controversial from the start. The centre had only reopened due to the success of a crowdfunding campaign, after the Conservative government scrapped the support grant on which the project relied. May’s team were on high alert for locals who might make a statement that would embarrass the new prime minister.
The 10-week-old Havanese puppy, whom locals named as ‘Wishbone’, strayed from its owner as May inspected a dried pasta collage of her own face. As Wishbone sniffed her shoe, the prime minister pulled back her foot as if about to take a penalty, and fully kicked the puppy in the face – launching him clean into the sky. At the time of writing, search attempts for the puppy have been fruitless. Speaking to Off The Perch, Grace Apple – who had just received ‘Wishbone’ as a 12th birthday present, said:
“The prime minister just kicked my puppy into space!”
Miss Apple then ran crying to her mother, who was also weeping and pointing helplessly to the sky.
Labour party releases list of banned items ahead of the annual conference
by John Shafthauer
As part of the plan to finally rid itself of supporters, the Labour party is allegedly hatching a plot so devilish that it would make a Blackpool town centre wedding party look like afternoon tea at a nunnery.
https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/755497684677656578
According to a leaked and annotated list which was handed to Off the Perch, anti-Corbyn officials in the Labour party are intending to physically remove members from the annual conference if they are found to possess one or more of the following items:
- Donkey jackets (or anything else which suggests union membership – ie a membership card or the appearance of having worked hard all week).
- Lapel badges which don’t feature one of our allies – acceptable political icons including Tony Blair, George W. Bush, King Salman Al Saud of Saudi Arabia, Rupert Murdoch, or whoever it is that we’re attempting to imitate at the time of the conference.
- A Corby accent (too close for comfort).
- A list of questions which would make us look bad if we were to answer them truthfully.
- A copy of ‘The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists.’
- Actual ragged-trousers (we’ll never be able to help the working classes again if we keep letting them in and listening to what they have to say).
Media baffled by refusal of Corbyn supporters to take offence at being called ‘socialist’
by Kerry-Anne Mendoza
Off the Perch has been required, under a new government wheeze, to employ at least one right-wing writer. So we’re proud to welcome our new commentator, Frank Lee-Bull. He loves Margaret Thatcher, and casual racism.
The media and political establishment expressed bafflement this week at the newfound ineffectiveness of using the term ‘socialist’ as an insult, as Corbyn supporters became immune to being offended by it.
For decades, the establishment has kept any heretics who questioned the dominance of neoliberalism firmly in their box, with the threat of being labelled ‘socialists’. No one wanted to be thought of as some yoghurt-knitting, sandal-wearing, patchouli-stink wafting, unwashed hippy. Or (the second most popular variant of socialist) some rabid, Marxist-Leninist-Trotskyist, Castro-loving lunatic bent on the destruction to western civilization as we know it.
All this time, we ‘moderates’ have kept the lid on the wanton masses by ensuring that the only acceptable terms of debate on social, economic and political policy were on our turf. Well, I can reveal to Off The Perch readers that the lid on pandora’s box has been blown asunder, thanks to a sudden herd immunity to the term ‘socialist’.
Just as a normal vaccine provides just enough of a disease for a subject to develop an immune response, so has the ceaseless provocation of the establishment to everyone with a differing viewpoint.
Right-wing reporters discover foreign Pokémon are entering the country and lose their minds
by John Shafthauer
The right-wing press has a long and inglorious history of loathing low-level British Pokémon – despising the way that they brazenly insist on both existing and contributing towards the overall character and progression of the nation.
But all that changed the other day, as they discovered something which is even worse than our hereditary British Pokémon – namely:
FOREIGN POKÉMON!
Here’s our token right-wing reporter, Frank Lee-Bull, to explain how the discovery came about:
I was telling some millennials to get a haircut and pull their trousers up the other day when I noticed that they were playing this new Pokémon Go game. I must admit that, as a Conservative, I do approve of hunting animals and then smashing your balls against them; it’s just the bloodless whimsy I take offence to.
Ignoring my advice, one of the gap-year Gabbies looked at me and said: ‘It’s really cool, actually – I caught this one here on my holidays’.
I felt a cold sweat begin to form above my stiff upper lip as her words sunk in. Fearing her answer, I gulped and asked where she was on holiday when she caught it.
BBC policy is that if you’re not on camera, you don’t exist
by Alex McNamara
As part of their now widely recognised agenda to pick and choose the news, the BBC have a new policy – if you’re not on camera, you don’t exist.
A post on social media from someone attending a Jeremy Corbyn rally at the Lowry in Salford on 24 July highlighted how much the BBC’s Corbyn coverage is replicating the US press overage of Bernie Sanders’ campaign.
Millions of votes later, many Americans still have Bernie Sanders mixed up with the KFC colonel.
Likewise, the strategy towards Corbyn is now basically: “shhhh…. if we don’t mention his overwhelming support, many will continue believing he doesn’t have any.”
An artist’s impression of what the media think Corbyn and his supporters look like [IMAGE]
by John Shafthauer
If you were only aware of Jeremy Corbyn and his supporters through reports in the mainstream media (MSM), you’d be forgiven for thinking that they were all a bunch of scruffy, hard-left, terrorist-sympathising, yoghurt-fermenters.
And although the writers at Off the Perch are actually all of those things and a few which are much worse, it’s actually the case that his other supporters cover demographics which represent every group in the country.
To highlight the absurdity of this reporting, we decided to have an artist draw a representation of Jeremy and his supporters using only descriptions we’d found in the MSM.
We couldn’t find an artist who would work for yoghurt though, so we just had some kid draw the pictures instead.
YOUR TYPICAL JEREMY CORBYN SUPPORTER
CLICK TO SEE THE ARTIST’S IMPRESSION OF JEREMY CORBYN
Hillary Clinton tests out her powers of hypnosis at Philadelphia Democrat convention [VIDEO]
by Alex McNamara
Hillary Clinton has tested out her vampire-like mesmeric powers on millions of people down a camera lens, in preparation for what is (unbelievably) hoped to be her imminent presidency.
She was only partially successful. Aside from a few isolated reports of hypnotised women inexplicably deleting emails and yelling at their husbands, the most commonly reported reaction was:
meh… ok, she’ll have to do.
Sitting at home watching the Democrat convention in Philadelphia on TV, this writer only experienced slight flatulence.
People say Americans “don’t do pantomime”, but they really do. They just don’t realise it’s pantomime. Instead, they’re convinced their politics are something highbrow like opera, or a symphony orchestra. Nope, sorry guys. It’s just a man in drag hogging the limelight, singing crap pop songs we’ve all heard a million times with various lyrics.
Tory doublespeak decoded
by John Shafthauer
At this point, it has been well established that the Conservative party lies. In fact, it’s probably their second most identifiable characteristic after being nasty.
Some people were tricked into thinking they didn’t lie in the run up to the last General Election, but in actuality it transpired that when they said they were telling the truth, that that was the biggest lie of them all.
The thing about compulsive liars is that their dedication to duplicity is such an assault on the senses that it can wear down the defences of even the best of us. With this in mind, we’ve compiled a handy list of Tory doublespeak definitions to help voters better weather their barrage of bullsh*t in future:
HARD WORKING FAMILIES = hard working cattle.
BETTER TOGETHER = better for us.
STRONG NHS = bureaucracy-pumped cash sow.
WORKING WITH THE PRIVATE SECTOR = working for the private sector.
FIT FOR WORK = easy target.
WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER = technically accurate, although by ‘this’ they mean ‘increasingly disparate dystopia.’
AUSTERITY = ideology bomb.
IMMIGRATION = An issue which the Tories turned into political fire – fire which they thought they were juggling, but were actually just tossing about the place like Molotov cocktails.
More voters know names of all 3 members of Hanson, than recognise Owen Smith
by Kerry-Anne Mendoza
The Genius Institute interviewed 5,000 people in high streets across the UK, showing them first a photo of Hanson and then one of Owen Smith. While 3,745 of those interviewed successfully identified all members of the Oklahoma-based trio, just 4 were able to identify the Labour MP attempting to oust Jeremy Corbyn.
Incorrect guesses for Owen Smith included Loyd Grossman, Alan Partridge, and “that bloke who sold me my vacuum cleaner”.
Off The Perch spoke to one of the respondents, 35-year-old Josie Watkins, who named the members of Hanson successfully, but could not name Smith.
OTP: So Josie, you named all three members of Hanson correctly?
Josie: I absolutely loved MmmBop. I went to see them at the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party in 1998 with my mates and everything. I had a proper crush on Taylor. Zac was just adorable. We all thought Isaac was a bit gimpy, except our mate Claire who fancied him something rotten. No accounting for taste though, is there?
OTP: Indeed. So, you don’t know who this man [points to image of Owen Smith] is then? No idea?
Josie: Honestly, he’s got one of them familiar faces. If you pushed me on it, I’d swear he was the bloke who did our insurance up the brokers in the high street.
In a perfect world, who would be your ideal Labour leader? [POLL]
Although many, many, many Labour members are firmly behind Jeremy Corbyn, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they all think he is the greatest politician imaginable.
In fact, you may even hear some people murmuring that Jeremy’s platform of good, old fashioned democratic socialism only seems so appealing because the other options in the Labour party are so uniformly god-awful.
So in an ideal world, who would you like to see as the Labour leader?
Please vote in the Off the Perch poll below, and be sure to let us know of any other suggestions you have on Facebook or Twitter:
Featured and included images via Wikimedia / Mstyslav Chernov / Wikimedia Commons / Wikimedia / Flickr / Flickr / Flickr / Wikimedia / Flickr / Flickr / Flickr / Flickr / Pixabay / Pixabay / Flickr / Flickr / Flickr / Flickr / Flickr / Pixabay / Flickr / Tumblr / Wikimedia / Flickr / Flickr / Flickr / Wikimedia / and illustrations by John Shafthauer
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