And what a week it was!
A week in which Kim Jong-May alerted us to a sinister to EU plot to carry on reporting how clueless she is! A week in which Jeremy Hunt claimed the biggest threat to the NHS is actually something other than him! And a week in which UKIP lost more councillors than their leader Paul Nuttall could count – despite one of his many PhDs being in advanced mathematics!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
Theresa May-Bot malfunctions live on air
Theresa May is one of the most advanced robots in the world. Not only is she capable of repeating over three different slogans, she can also stand in place and scowl for five minutes at a time.
Although this failed to compute today, as an interview with the robot went fantastically faulty.
BEEP-BOOP
Tory scientists adapted the May-Bot from a Stable-O-Matic 5000. It’s unable to meet regular members of the public, however, as it’s prone to picking up wireless signals from people’s phones. Which is why the May-Bot once streamed Simon Mayo’s Drivetime when she was supposed to be giving a speech about trade tariffs.
Unfortunately, these wireless issues have once more come into play, as a live studio ended up scrambling the robot’s micro-BS circuits.
This led to the PM weirdly responding to a question about her leadership:
MAY-BOT WILL PROVIDE STRONG & STABLE – GNNNNNNT – ERROR! – PLEASE INSERT CONSCIENCE AND START AGAIN.
Kelvin MacKenzie becomes front-page news after falling into printing press
The UK’s resident sleaze king Kelvin MacKenzie made the news today. Firstly, after he suggested that an ironic fate for Jeremy Corbyn would be if an asylum seeker stabbed him to death. A suggestion in such poor taste that even he distanced himself from it.
But that’s not why he made the front pages.
Oh no.
Because Mackenzie was in for a little irony of his own.
Bleed all about it
MacKenzie was doing what he does best. Which is basically just walking about – looking smug – and carrying on as if he was the human equivalent of an open-air sewer.
An open-air sewer in the middle of a diarrhoea epidemic.
A diarrhoea epidemic on the hottest day of the year in the warmest year of the century.
The EU admits to masterminding Theresa May’s dreadful election campaign
Theresa May held a press conference yesterday to accuse the EU of ruining her election chances. After May had finished her finger-wagging, one of the journalists raised a hand and asked:
How’s that then? Has the EU been running your woeful election campaign?
To which a manic-eyed May replied:
Yes! No more questions! I love chips!
From EU to her
According to a Downing Street insider, May asked the EU for advice on how to win the election. The advice given to her included:
- Keep repeating the words “strong and stable” until people look worried and ask “u ok hun?”
- Lock journalists – ie the people whose job it is to report how well you’re doing – in a cupboard.
- Eat chips as if you were once wronged by a potato and are taking revenge by devouring its children.
Brexit talks ‘thrown into chaos’ by discovery Prince Philip is still alive
by John Ranson
The government has moved to a ‘war footing’ following the revelation that Prince Philip is still alive. Sleepy Whitehall officials were heard muttering: “This is all we fucking need” as the news began to emerge in the small hours.
Buckingham Palace, apparently under intense pressure from Downing Street, changed its official announcement from:
Prince Philip is still alive
To:
Prince Philip is retiring from public engagements
A source within David Davis’ Brexit department told Off The Perch:
This really has come as a terrible blow. My colleagues are already at their wits’ end trying to sweep up after our Secretary of State. And the PM is hardly helping. Now it looks like the Duke of Edinburgh is still with us, we’re likely to have to do even more fire-fighting. To be honest I’m not even sure if getting him to retire is a good thing or a bad thing. Without all those plaques to unveil, he might have more time for casual racism and accidental international incidents.
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