The week in satire Vol. #113

And what a week it was!

A week in which April Fools Day happened! A week in which no one noticed because the regular news is already so weird! And a week in which we considered naming it April ‘Remember When the News was Only This Stupid’ Day!

But what else happened?

Let’s look back and see:

Brexit negotiations not an elaborate April Fool’s joke, government claims

by John Shafthauer

Following intense speculation, Theresa May has denied that her handling of Brexit is an elaborate prank. During the speech, the set behind her collapsed and she paused mid-sentence to do a horrible jig of some description.

So is it actually a joke? Has her whole premiership been one long wind-up?

Farce the truth

Despite her earlier claims, May later reversed her opinion completely. In a second speech, she said:

Yes, I’m afraid it has all been a big joke. Hee hee – what a naughty prime minister I am. Like when I called a snap election I said I’d never call then lost seats – that was a jape, wasn’t it? Also, who can forget when I called the people I needed to back my minority government ‘saboteurs’ and ‘citizens of nowhere’? And speaking of ‘citizens of nowhere’, remember when I illegally deported the Windrush generation?

This is why everyone says I’m a joke.

The Joker

Although this seemed somewhat plausible, one of May’s whips later told us:

She did do it all on purpose – she just wants people to stop thinking she’s useless. Typically, she’s done a crap job of making people think she’s a joke.

Her claim to have a sense of humour fell apart when a journalist asked if May had a favourite funny person, and she answered, “Michael Portillo”.

Labour Friends of Saudi Arabia says critics are ‘Islamophobes’

by James Wright

Labour Friends of Saudi Arabia (LFSA) accused critics of the theocratic dictatorship of ‘Islamophobia’ on 1 April.

“Disregards Labour values”

LFSA Chair Rowan Ryan said:

It’s disrespectful to the Muslim religion and disregards Labour values to make such inflammatory comments about Saudi Arabia and crown prince Mohammed bin Salman. Please be aware that any Labour members involved have been reported to the compliance unit.

The intervention will add further controversy to Labour’s ongoing Islamophobia storm. Deputy leader John Watson agreed with Ryan:

I just don’t know what has happened to my party. You know, I was discussing it with a Saudi minister on a recent expenses paid trip to Riyadh over a third helping of Mutabbak. The party I once knew and loved has truly become an Islamophobic cesspit.

“When it’s convenient for us”

Under immense pressure from LFSA, Labour also adopted the Interplanetary Definition of Islamophobia (now recognised by four and a half countries). In the same address, Ryan said:

The ATTACKS also represent a transgression of the Labour party’s rulebook, which states it’s Islamophobic to apply ‘double standards by requiring of Saudi Arabia a behaviour not expected or demanded of any other Utopia of Equality and Freedom’.

Labour member Diane Fitzpatrick, meanwhile, was recently suspended for condemning the Saudi kingdom. She expressed disgust at the regime for beheading 48 people in four months, desecrating Yemen with airstrikes and running roughshod over women’s rights. But Ryan wasn’t having it:

There is a point where criticism of Saudi Arabia becomes Islamophobia and you’ve crossed that line as and when it’s convenient for us. The Muslim people have a right to enact whatever God-given rights they claim to have. And I’ll be damned if anyone claims otherwise.

BBC News at 6 led with the Labour Islamophobia controversy, just ahead of covering the situation in Bangladesh, 75% of which is now underwater.

YouTube agrees to make less money from far-right thug doorstepping people

by John Shafthauer

Stephen Yaxley-Lennon (aka Tommy Robinson) has a fondness for filming himself turning up at people’s doorsteps in the middle of the night. YouTube has a fondness for money. As such, a beautiful friendship formed between them.

Now, however, YouTube has said it will reduce the amount of money it makes from such thuggery. As such, Mr YouTube can probably expect an angry, wet-look goon at his door in the near future.

Breakup

YouTube has said it will stop recommending Yaxley-Lennon; it’s also removed his ability to livestream. You can still find pre-recorded videos of him up to no good, however, so don’t worry – people are still making money.

A YouTube rep told us:

Our company walks a fine line between promoting outright-fascism and society not collapsing. If the fascists do too well, they’ll murder us in our sleep. If society does too well, people are far less inclined to hate-click our videos.

It’s a fine line, and here at YouTube, we’re proud to say we’ve made a tonne of money with only some major detriment to society.

Setback

Some people argue that ‘de-platforming’ hate figures only makes them stronger. This ignores the career trajectories of Milo Yiannopoulos, Baked Alaska, and Paul Golding.

If you’ve never heard of those losers, it’s because de-platforming works.

Tories object to non-terrible politician shaping their policy

by John Shafthauer

As a result of being completely unable to do a Brexit, Theresa May has had to call some proper people in. This irritated members of her own party. Largely as they suspect Corbyn and Co. might actually be telling the truth with that ‘for the many, not the few’ stuff.

For the who now?

One senior Tory told us:

Well obviously you claim to have the nation’s best interests at heart. That doesn’t mean you actually deliver, though. We’ve never delivered, and that didn’t stop people voting for us. They voted Tory right up until the shit hit the fan. Oh no. It’s happening again, isn’t it? This is the shit right now. Everyone get your umbrellas out!

Another said:

I’d rather bring this country to its knees with Hard Brexit than consider not bringing it to its knees with austerity!

Boris Johnson added:

This is a disgrace – one that I can use to make May step down. So yeah – I’m all for it if I’m honest, which I never am.

Trapped

Of course, there’s a good chance the meeting will just be 40 minutes of May asking Corbyn to back her deal and ten seconds of him saying ‘no’. Thankfully, we have the totally impartial media to keep us abreast of these developments.

The BBC’s political editor’s update of events never considers May might not be acting in good faith, yet manages to question Corbyn’s trustworthiness. It’s not analysis, it’s pantomime, and @bbclaurak clearly chose her “baddie” a long time ago. https://t.co/qc5AOmdNwb

— Michael Walker (@michaeljswalker) April 3, 2019

Tories all for the army targeting the leader of the opposition, actually

by John Shafthauer

When footage leaked of soldiers firing shots at Jeremy Corbyn’s image, many people thought:

Well, this was expected. The Tories and the gutter press will have to reel it in a bit now. You can’t have the army targeting the leader of the opposition for flip’s sake.

These expectations ended up being optimistic. As one unnamed Tory said:

Why would we stop calling him a terrorist-loving, hard-Marxist cyber prick now the smears are showing results?

And as other senior Tories said:

A man who sides with terrorists and socialist dictators, would surrender our nuclear deterrent, has let anti-Semitism run rife in his Party and would bankrupt Britain has now been given the keys to Brexit. https://t.co/glGXAQUAXj

— Priti Patel MP (@pritipatel) April 3, 2019

"I'm absolutely appalled" – Conservative Iain Duncan Smith says Theresa May's #Brexit talks with Jeremy Corbyn "legitimises a Marxist whose sole purpose in life is to do real damage to the country" https://t.co/OjlUUixYrJ pic.twitter.com/eZhUig1chw

— BBC Politics (@BBCPolitics) April 3, 2019

What is a greater risk to the UK, asks Conservative Dr Caroline Johnson – "a no-deal #Brexit, versus the risk of letting down the country and ushering in a Marxist, anti-Semite-led government?"#PMQs updates: https://t.co/28GrD7L2d5 pic.twitter.com/9ZSVJxcLUk

— BBC Politics (@BBCPolitics) April 3, 2019

Pheasant coup

The unnamed Tory from earlier explained:

Look – I don’t know what the confusion is. If Labour gets into power, it would be really great for us if the army led some sort of coup. I’d settle for Tommy Robinson and some lads he rounded up at the park, to be honest. What aren’t you getting? Drumming up violent hatred against our opponents works in our favour; it’s really quite simple – I don’t know why you look surprised.

Smears for fears

Another anonymous Tory told us:

I overheard Jeremy Corbyn in the toilets once speaking in a Russian accent. As I watched, he split in half and a series of smaller Jeremy Corbyns came out. He can speak to bears too. Is that something Russians can do? Well he can anyway. Be sure to tell everyone you know in the army.

According to another source, the government is going to label Corbyn’s allotment group a terrorist organisation.

It’s almost like the Tories worry they won’t be in power much longer.

Mark Francois changes name to ‘Brark Brancois’ to protest the Brexit delay or something

by John Shafthauer

Brexit has exposed Britain to the many oddballs who serve as Conservative MPs. The latest to gain prominence is Mark Francois – a man you’ve probably seen on the telly. If you can’t trace the name, this description might help:

Mark Francois is an angry pork pie, isn't he?

— Mike Holden (@MikeHolden42) April 4, 2019

In his latest rant, the Rayleigh and Wickford MP said he now goes by the name ‘Brark Brancois’. Apparently he’s protesting the Brexit delay or something. It was difficult to tell, as he’s adding ‘br-’ to the beginning of every word.

Bridiculous

Speaking to the gaggle of press that constantly follows him around right now, Brancois said:

Bris brountry bris bra broke. Brunless bre bret Brexit broon bri’m broing bro bream bruntil bry brace broes brlue.

When translated out of Brenglish, it’s believed that Brancois said:

I am a sad, little man with no idea what’s going on. When I drive my children to school and see all the youngsters – so full of hope and dreams – I realise I’ve wasted my life being a twat. Will Brexit fill the hole inside me? Probably not. But at least others will get to share in my impotence.